说不出的泪

毁了
我的面具直接被撕破见骨
眼泪不停的落下
再也忍不了
竟然在母亲面前，掉了不少泪
比起母亲只是含着满满泪的眼睛，我已经停不止无声的哭

听到医生说，爸的心脏曾经停止过
呼吸也比前一些更急
已经听不清楚到底是尿还是血有超标的不良物质
接下来需要洗肾，希望来得及清掉那些东西
而且肺部也有细菌感染
最后，我的心还被医生的最后一句：“情况不乐观”，深深地刺出血

我说不出话了
一切还是母亲缓缓地和医生说几句
我尝试把字吐出来，始终只有“没”、“好”、“恩”。。。这几个单字

我不知道自己已经变成什么人样了
强迫自己做完一些该做的事
回到家，暂时可以休息
累了，但还不能到下
妈比我更累，却一直叫我休息
妈外表表现的不累，但我知道她的心已经累得不得了

尝试着谈一些我小时候的事
希望能多少转移妈的心
默默地我和我妈已经盘算一些可能要做的事
但是我很不希望必须做
心很疼

爸，你能平安的回来我们身边吗？
爸，健康起来，好不好？
爸。。。

他抖入我心

我哭了，忍不住在父母面前掉了眼泪
不知道他们有没有看到

这一次直接体验回当年的情景
我妈她急了，就连我也被急到掉泪
一路赶到诊疗所，妈一直都在祈祷
我也一边驾着车，一边听着他的呼吸
不停的在喘
心疼
但是又没法望他，因为还得小心驾驶

今晚看了另一间诊所的医生
他似乎比较细心，也令我比较放心
以往见的那位医生，不知道为什么好像有点不像以前那么的信任了
不知道是不是因为看到爸的病迟迟未好，才有疑心

忙了一阵子
回到家，觉得没什么心情了
这几天也想一直呆在家
家里多个人也好办事，妈也不需那么辛苦


好希望不会再一次出现当年的情景

空间

一个星期
我失去了个人空间、隐私
自己原有的空间被占据了，仿佛失去了一个安全窝
有情绪但没地方可以让我释放
心身累了没有一个可以让我安心的休息空间

不能在自己的空间思考
被逼面对带有压力的言语
我感到害怕
没有一个真正属于自己的空间
没有原有自己个人的气息
带来了不便和不安

这一个星期，每一晚我几乎都失眠
睡也睡得不安稳
每晚只睡了3、4个小时，白天累得不得不抽出时间补眠
想了又想，觉得要是有机会，一定会找一个属于自己一个人的家
不是我不仁、不是我不孝
只因为现在的我无法面对就连家人也令我感到的不安
但我知道，现在的我还没有资格说出或做出什么东西

那份不安感，只得暂时伴着我左右吧。。。

能坚持吗？

败了
我还是败了
冲着我的不忍，逼使我不得不服从
就在我以为我已经收服了我心的时候，
我又再次看到了我爸的弱和我妈的泪。

我爸病了
仿佛好像前几年的时候，身体四肢无力、皮瘦骨疼
也没胃口吃东西，还有等等问题
我妈累了
虽然没有当年的紧张，但是多了一份疲累
受到爸的病影响，她也不见得有什么胃口
晚餐时，妈在转身进厨房的时候，短短的谈话，我听到了含泪的语气

个人原则始终抵抗不了命运的安排
我不忍也不希望再一次感受到那份恐惧感
我也再一次感到我带来的不幸
我不想，实在不想再感受到失去任何人，就算机率是那么渺小的

我现在必须坚强，至少在人们面前装坚强
无论我是怎么悲观，至少在妈面前不得露出内心的伤

放弃了
放弃治疗我心，选择恢复连自己的心都想欺骗以前的我
我也拖到很累了
昨夜只是读了一个故事，维护自己的心墙竟然好像被敲了一小道裂痕
没想到那么辛苦的修补，只不过因为那么一点的感触，差一点废了


这一次，我不是国中生了
计划也得改一改，不想妈在那么累了
此时的妈，没有了几年前那么有体力
也多了一些岁月留下的病痕

强忍的心，哭不出的泪
我不知道我还能做些什么
除了强着自己继续该继续的路，似乎没什么能多做的了
一切都逃不出存在的安排

梦的恐怖

梦，不知何时梦已经很霸道的影响了我的情绪
在梦里，编了一个故事，一对恋人拥有爱情的同时，却因为家庭背景而其中一方受到了另一方的欺骗，虽然其实双方都是爱着彼此的。
就在看到欺骗恋人的最后一幕，很强烈的心痛把我叫醒了
不知道是梦里的最后一刻，还是醒了的那一刻，我发现我的右手紧压着我的左胸膛。
可以感觉到心脏仿佛被压抑着，莫名其妙的疼。


背叛、欺骗，应该对我来说是一件很难接受的事情
只要是谎言，在被欺骗的那一刻，我觉得我的心好像穿了一个洞似的。
看来我应该不能接受有人欺骗我，甚至背叛我。
可幸的是，我还没有一个我爱的人，所以最严重的背叛还不存在
而我好像也很难对朋友们给予太多的信任
就是因为这样，所以我才没有密友，或者是非常要好的朋友吗？
我何时才会给予他人完全的信任呢？

好烦！现在把这个有点压抑着的感觉写了下来，心也舒畅了一点
希望以后不会再有这样的起床方式。。。

寻找？

无需大惊小怪，无需胡乱猜测
就只是联络不到我

已经有两批朋友传短讯、打电话找我，但是联络不到我。
我不觉得是有什么特别的东西
我不是搞什么失踪、还是故意逃避人
我只是在逃避一些我不想面对的一些事情

我把手机静音也不常检查手机，只为了不想被手机影响我的心情，或许受到在大学时被人和事联络到想要逃避的地步影响吧。
面子书不再是我乐于游览的网站，今年一些种种的事物，还有来自国家政客的新闻报道和消息、罪案事件、网络评论，令我对面子书有些厌恶的感觉。我甚至连家里报纸都很久没看了。
不过为了不把自己变成井底之蛙，我倒还是会一个星期上面子书一两次，看看朋友有什么状态，有什么时事自己需要跟进的。
还好除了面子书，我还有twitter和youtube可以提供我一些时事状态。

其实自己也懒得跟朋友解释那么多，这个post也是写一写上个post就写了出来。
至少自己还没到连面子书直接放入冬眠状态呢~~


近期的天气也希望可以转好不要时不时就来点烟雾，弄得我都有点不适很舒服。
家里爸也病了，害得我心情更糟。

24岁的生日

经历两年的分离，我的中六gang，似乎又完整了。

我越来越觉得我的gang，本来一些比较静的人活泼起来了，但是我们偏偏一个个都得迈入社会了，工作的工作，读硕士的继续读。

我很开心，同时我也感到伤感。

开心因为朋友们，伤感因为我自己的一些事。我的一些事还不能够公开给任何一位朋友知道。在还没稳定我自己的心和情绪之前，一切都还得收着。辛苦是辛苦，但是希望总有一天，或许那天，他们也会知道我守着的东西。

终于完成了为自己二十四岁生日准备的礼物，直到那天，我这份礼物就会送出去，希望会有人收到。

准备这份礼物时，虽然和她还没有关系到什么，但是还是有种感觉我有一些些的在意她。

这份在意，之前似乎还没感觉到什么。但是发现有一点，近期好像这份在意是存在的。

可惜现在，我还是无法确认自己对她的感觉，而她也有人了。

等。我要等待吗？等待我分清楚我的感觉。等待我的机会。会有这一天吗？

昨天，突然有灵感，想把我的一些往事写成一部短篇小说。

说然我的文笔差得很，但是的确有点像要写出来。

可能近期都受到了看言情小说的关系。

别笑我，目前读着言情小说似乎对需要平静下情绪的我，有很大的帮助。

最令我奇怪的是，我的混乱颠倒的情绪一点都联系不到爱情。可知，言情小说都是以爱情而写的。

过一段日子，我就得准备一下我日后的计划。

以目前的情况来说，能不能坚持开始和进行那些计划，还是有点困难。

最近几天，似乎缺少了睡意，一天才睡最多3、4个小时，而且还是等到早晨才睡。

就是这样，我的胃好像也真的开始出现问题，还好还不是什么大问题。

胃口小了，时不时还是会打嗝，有时吃到像以往份量的食物，吃完后竟然大半都呕出来了。

希望今天可以开始准备计划第一步吧。

祝你生日快乐，二十四岁的自己。

?

Existence has no meaning.

It's a question that has no answer.

What is my existence?

我？

我又爱上看悲伤的韩剧了。
今天看了2006年的《天国的树》和今年的《那年冬天风吹过》
刚看完，感想很多
爱情有区别吗？ 谁人能够得到爱情？谁又不能？
如何才算爱过？ 喜欢一个人的感觉是什么？爱又如何？

而我，想要成为怎样的男人？
守护者？寻找者？被爱者？还是爱人者？
我会是怎么样的男人对待我爱的人？
会像剧里的男主角拥有冷漠的爱、欺骗中存在的爱、悲伤的爱、或者只是暗里守护的爱吗？

我喜欢悲伤，
哭了就能忘了自己需要关怀其他人
忘了自己想要把笑脸常挂在脸上的负担
期待着被爱，
冷漠的我不容易相信人，也选择了不向任何人那么容易的倾诉
不想任何人知道我的内心，也不想成为谁人的负担
不是谁人都能够明白我的烦恼
就连我自己都不大清楚我自己在烦着什么
想要被称赞，
被人对我所做的承认是对自己的一个奖励
就算没做到有多好，但是只要有那么一句：你做得很好
我心里就会觉得自己还是有能够为别人做到的事
心里的死撑，
我走不掉狮子座的厚脸皮
总会为自己找个下台阶，用一些不合理的借口
对父母、亲戚、朋友，只为了那没用的自尊心
有心无力吗？
其实我有很多东西十分想做，也梦想有哪些一点成就
普通甚至是有肌肉的身材、不错的摄影成品、拥有不同领域的知识、
很好的人际关系和沟通技巧、能够体验不同国度的风趣、
独特的饮食品为等等事情...... 这些是我没有毅力还是没能力做到呢？

其实我也是一个自我讽刺、自我矛盾的人
很多时候自己对别人说不喜欢这个那个，但是往往自己又喜欢那样做
说过喜欢吃这个，但是日后又说不怎么喜欢
常常会指指点点其他人这样那样，自己却会犯了自己指指点点其他人的东西
心底他别想要的东西，口头上不承认，心里却在其他人随意带过之后跌入谷底
自己的“可以”、“喜欢”、“愿意” 和 “不同意”、“讨厌”、“不想要” 都搞不清楚......
天啊...... 都不知道其他人如何忍耐自己......

我是个冲动、执著的人
可以突然很想吃什么、做什么，就直接想办法做到、吃到、听到、看到
可以三更半夜，起来走出外面看着天空、听者风声，只因为想要那么做
可以只是想要做，而独自走了近两个小时多，不知道几公里的路，回家
有时候还会厚着脸皮，明示暗示着人为自己做些什么
也会为了维持自己的立场，那么微微的尊严，不停的找资料/证据/理由来说服别人
做不到的事，硬着头皮答应其他人去做。

悲观的人，我吗？
很多情况我都会以最坏打算来对待事情
就连近期不大可能发生的事，我也时常想象着
中学时候，最常想的东西就是万一我外婆去世，会如何？
外婆去世后，想的东西就是父母万一去世，又会如何？
常常想这样的东西，我自己觉得我很奇怪，人好好的，为什么一直会胡思乱想？
如果是其他人，想到这些东西应该会觉得感触，然后会对他们更好吧...
但是有时候觉得如果这些事发生的话，就那样好了
就好像自己是就应该有那样的情况，好像那些不值得自己拥有
有时候生病时，有点希望自己生病严重直接死去
不是因为想要觉得自己在其他人是有价值的，也不是想要得到其他人的关怀
真的只是觉得自己没有那个价值
甚至驾驶时，有时候会想踩尽油门向前冲，不管前方有什么
我会有那么一天的冲动吗？

飞翔，不可能的梦
没有任何的约束，在空中飞扬是我的梦想
第一次有那么的梦想是来自第一次的云顶之旅
在那里的Space shot，在空中飘悬着的感觉停留了我脑海里
也在梦里体会过几次，那种从高空坠落而又没有地面阻止，
那种是我想在现实中不可能办到的东西
十分荒谬


我，还会是怎样的人呢？

小小动力

星期六，上了KL和大学朋友聚会。
说真的，谢谢你们没有再对我冷淡了......
对不起，我还是那样不多说话....
其实我不希望我那两天会不会在说些什么，又导致我和你们的关系再度变差
我蛮高兴的，得知你们其中的好消息，也很祝福你们。

也就是这个聚会，又让我感到这半年以来蛮陌生的感觉。
啊...... 有你们真好。
见了你们给予了我这一点动力，
给了我一份继续走下去的鼓励。

希望我们日后还会有更多的回忆。

停顿

终于觉得很多东西都无聊了

韩剧、综艺节目、Youtube视频、面子书等等网络服务

可以开始了吗？

近几个月来，健康一直冒红灯

胃出现问题、发高烧、喉咙疼，来了好了又再来

一直折磨着我，搞到我什么心情都没了

懒惰病也慢慢的发展了。。。 T_T

逃避，一直在逃避一些课题

几个月以来一直在闪躲的问题还是要面对

犹豫了很久，也烦恼了一段时间

医生也说我可能很压力

如果正面面对那些压力，我会不会比较好一些呢？

还有，我想知道独行者最终目的地会是哪里呢？

Family Portrait 全家福

Found a quite nice meaningful Chinese New Year short film on Youtube, titled "Family Portrait 全家福" by James Lee, I thought of sharing it here:

This short film begins with a boy holding an old photo album, wondering who are those people in those old photographs. He then turn to his older brother, sister and parents to ask who are those people. However, none of them really care what he actually asks,  they only concentrate on what they are doing that time, being busy. When he finally ask his grandmother, she properly answered him cheerfully as though she is living those  past life. 

At this point, I was tearing down my cheeks as I was reminded of my grandmother when she was still here. She used to tell me lots of stories about her past when she was raising my uncles and aunts when they are small, how she use to carry them to a village market to sell vegetables, how they live in the rural place, planting vegetables and raising pigs and chickens. I listened to her those stories numerous times and I don't get bored, as long as she was happy to tell it. 

Then, I also remember that my mum and I use to flip through old photo albums, showing me photo of my mother side of the family and other relatives when they are young. It was a good time with her. She also showed me her wedding photos, my childhood photo together with other photos while we go for holidays. It really brings back my memories from childhood.

Well, back to the short film, when it reached to the final quarter of the video, surprisingly for me, it turned into a comedic part, the grandmother scolded everyone of the table not to play with their smartphones while having their dinner. However, it turn out that it was her own phone received a notification on her game. !?!WHAT?!??!! and she asked everyone to help in her game. It's hilarious when the mother ask: "Shouldn't we only play it after dinner?" and the grandmother shouted literally: "Of course not!!!". Haha...

The final message which this short film wish to deliver is pretty meaningful. I would certainly support it. 

I believe the most precious moments in life can't be captured by photographs.  

We must remember to live the moments as they happen.

Memories

Today it's the first day of Chinese New Year, a Snake Year, second circle of my life. 

Days ago, while I was cleaning up my house room, I dug out some old stuff, photos, souvenir from my past trips and my school notes  among other things. I realized how much did I actually missed my childhood life and my life before university. I've forgotten most of my primary school life especially friends who I spent time with. I've forgotten their names and cannot remember their faces clearly. I was quite playful and childish during my primary school time, I like to mess around and cry a lot too... Not a crybaby, but just like to cry when scolded by parents and bullied by some people. I like the fact that I am still friends with some of my primary friends until now, or in some case, just found out and was happy that they were actually same class as me...

People are different now than before over the years... My secondary school life was quite fun, I joined a few society and plan activities together with my friends. Of course, I done some stupid things too... I missed that life of mine where I can freely lay over the grass of my school field, get my hands dirty in the dirt of the vegetable garden my society is handling, station games and throwing water balloons at everyone I come across after school. 

The times when we compete to finish up our maths exercise books even before our teacher teach that part. 

The times when we tried to hide our CDs and Game Cards away from the discipline teacher. 

The times when we are so close to our teacher that we delivered a small performance for her retirement.

The times when we caused the whole school to be in smoke just because we try to raise a fire to barbecue corns and potatoes.

The times when we held a small Mid-autumn festival party night in the school, with the school's approval, with teachers and friends.

The times we are the best of school and did wonderful things in the school. [Well, not the best, or the most remembered wonderful things, but it was the best and wonderful in my memory]

By then, I already started to do my "solo" stuff, I joined the fire brigade's cadets which almost none of my surrounding friends join, mixing my life there for a year more, I had some fun but I was eventually soloed out by other races. I was the last of the Chinese in there. I could not stand the hard-communication with other that time, so I quit. By then I was active joining my favorite society if the school and not regretting leaving the cadet's life. The cadet's life did toughen myself a bit in discipline and being tough in life.

As I said, things changed through the years, my attitude, my friends and connection between us has changed a lot, influence by the duration we're not together, the distance that separate us, the experience that had change us physically and emotionally. I can accept certain things, but couldn't really understand. My certain friends had sometimes abandoned me, but I couldn't figure out for what kind of  reason they would acting like that, since we're quite close for years. Not something I would like to be babbling about right now.

Well, moving on towards my Pre-U life, my Form 6 life. It was an exciting 2 years for me, as it was somewhat challenging change in my life and on how I treated school was. I had both wonderful teachers and stab-to-the-heart kind of teacher. Good and bad experience from those times are what I missed that time, especially during the time we're being challenged or rather we challenge our patience with that teacher, who we dislike the most. Maybe we're the sort of generation who like to do things passionately, which resulting it to be an hot issue of the school of that year, I believe, that incident was even spread to other school. Woah!!   That are the times I missed now, with those bunch of friends to do those ridiculous things. HAH!!

Soon, those time became a kept memory after I entered my university. My university was a confusing life for me. All those happiness, sadness, frustration, responsibility, duty among other stuff had messed up and made up my current life now. Before I enter university, I scared that I won't be able to make some friends, but eventually found them. At first, my way of making friends was by sticking on their back, however I soon detached from them as I begin to be busy with more and more society and activities. I had my hectic year during my first and second university life being a newbie and later committee of societies. Sometime I was frustrated by my plans and not being able to cope with the stress coming all around, leaving some regrets in my university life for not being able to treat some people better and completing my task as my position. My third year was eventful and full of ups and downs, it was my final years which requires me to produce a thesis paper of my own. I was carefree sometimes and rather being the-path-will-straighten-as-I-walk attitude. 

As my close friends are getting closer, the more we found out about each other and that we tried to adjust ourselves to each other. Maybe it's my attitude or their own attitude, idk, but they figured out that I had attitude "problems". LOL... From that time, it was my emotional times. I figured it will be okay for us again in the future, so, why worry then. 

Memories are something to be remembered, not to carry on.

Experience are things never to be forgotten, but never to be kept the way they are.

Dream are meant to be dreamed, but doesn't mean it's impossible.

Achievement are meant to be reached, but never to be really reached.

Sky can be high, sea can be deep, but what is both high and deep? It's not an unanswerable question.

Hair Cut Day

It's been like 2 months more since my last haircut, don't really have a reason to cut it, since i'm just 90% of the time spending at home, but I was feeling hotter by the days, so, to cool it down - haircut.  I wasn't sure where to cut since I haven't actually satisfy with any salon yet and seldom getting them cut in melaka. So, I went to Bukit Beruang and at the end, I'm not satisfy neither. 

Same hair style, but a bit more expensive. I cut at Kajang for RM14, but today's salon, it cost RM25. The hairstyler wasn't very good at it, it took a while to cut my hair... =( 

Fortunately, her behavior was good and commented on my hair style product bout its cons. However, throughout the cutting, she was literally pulling my hair backwards until it pains, maybe she doesn't realise she pulled too strong... T_T

Well, looking at my photo, I remembered, my friends's mum commented on my face that I look under age 20, while other friends looks 20-ish... I doubt that, but I'm happy bout that comment... hahahaha....

Realistically, I look like my father, and my father look like my grandfather, so I look like my grandfather???

2013, the year after "doomsday", and I'm gonna age 24. I'm OLD. ='(